This is me:
• I speak fluent Sarcasm,
• My beard is listed on my organ donor card,
• If it weren’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done,
• I like to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards,
• I know homeless people who are fantastic at planking,
• I always scroll to see how long an article is before I don’t read it,
• I am Chair of the Economic Empowerment Committee for the NAACP, Washington DC chapter,
• One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time,
• Driving with the windows rolled down and the air conditioning on is as close as I get to being Jay-Z,
• I always smell like I’m on vacation,
• I’m a firm believer that if the automated message says you are “experiencing higher than normal call volume” every time I call, that is the normal call volume,
• The best way to apply Axe Body Spray is to spritz a cloud a few feet in front of you and then walk through it into traffic,
• I sometimes wonder if Michael Jordan ever misses the trash can,
• I’m a firm believer that if you have a problem with me, you can text me. If you don’t have my number than that means you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me,
• I can usually tell which women are only at the gym because their husbands cheated on them,
• A hobby of mine is yelling “THIS IS SPARTA!” as I kick dents in the doors of late model Chrysler 300s,
• When I want to double my money, I fold it over once and put it back in my pocket,
• I’m a nationally syndicated wordsmith,
• What I don’t see with my eyes, I don’t witness with my mouth,
• I think dogs shouldn’t be allowed to yawn,
• I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it,
• I accept people for who they pretend to be,
• If I don’t want an item while shopping, I put it back in the wrong spot so staff can’t be let go for not having ample work to do,
• I once had a show called The Jewelry Report on Youtube that did 75 million video views…before I got banned that is,
• I always miss 100% of the shots I don’t take,
• I’m a man who can open any jar,
• The only reason I have a home phone is to find my cell phone,
• I set the people I didn’t love free. And now most of them are mine forever, apparently,
• I don’t fall before I’m pushed,
• I’ve never met a department store mirror I haven’t checked myself out in,
• If McDonald’s ever wants to change it’s name, I think ‘F**k It’ would be perfect,
• I write for a whole bunch of magazines and Hip-Hop Weekly is one of them,
• Sometimes when I’m itching my back on a wall corner I feel like I could have been an above average stripper, but not really,
• I am as handsome as I am functional,
• Sometimes I keep rephrasing the question, so that it gradually becomes the answer,
• I live every day as if it were my last because one day…I’ll be right,
• I know a guy who likes to show extra confidence at job interviews by giving a firm handshake before and after every question,
• I lift weights. Mostly in the form of grocery bags filled with food,
• I know that people that hate people are the people they hate too,
• I’m not a mouth breather,
• I’d rather just not have bad things happen to me than to learn a lesson,
• I want to be the first person to buy a boat and not talk to people about it,
• I graduated from Morehouse College,
• I believe that a great place to meet women is wherever your rich,
• I always tell the truth so I don’t have to remember anything,
• The only thing I’ve ever wanted is everything I’ve never had,
• I may not have ‘hoes’ in different area codes but I’m pretty sure I’ve left a phone charger in most of them,
• I feel like the worst part of snobbery is not having enough money to participate,
• I believe that the term “cul de sac” was invented because rich people didn’t want to say they live on a dead end street,
• I personally sign every piece of free jewelry. It keeps the value up,
• I think that the best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it,
• I’d be very comfortable at a girl’s night out. Just putting it out there,
• Sometimes I join any line I see if it’s long enough. All those people can’t be wrong,
• What would I do for a Klondike bar? Probably just give you the $1.45,
• To me…”long story short” means “I can see your eye contact getting shaky,”
• I have two settings – not talking too much and complete silence after being called out for not talking too much,
• I sometimes think that America is a place where we’re all in this together for ourselves,
• Sometimes I shave with my left hand because it makes me feels like my barber is doing it,
• My laptop gets more sleep than I do,
• I’m not looking for the truth, but I wouldn’t mind some better lies,
• The least I can do also happens to be the most I can do,
• I’ve never let lack of hunger get in the way of my eating,
• I’m smart enough to know that four out of five dentists leaves one dentist,
• I don’t wanna go “behind the scenes” of stuff that sucked in front of the scenes,
• I got homies who believe that marriage should only be between a man and his happiness,
• I know that numbers don’t lie, but a lot of lies have numbers in them,
• I believe that capital punishment = teaching murderers that murder is wrong by murdering them,
• The best feature of my cell phone is that I can use it to have fake conversations in order to avoid real conversations,
• I find it easier to make healthy food decisions on a full stomach,
• The internet has made me an expert on anything I can Google,
• I specialize in creating compelling spectacles. Like this cultural lifestyle website for men and women.
That is all.
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Feb 07, 2015Because A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.
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Jan 13, 2015Because it’s amazing how many rappers talk cops into arresting them.