This is me:
• I speak fluent Sarcasm,
• My beard is listed on my organ donor card,
• If it weren’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done,
• I like to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards,
• I know homeless people who are fantastic at planking,
• I always scroll to see how long an article is before I don’t read it,
• I am Chair of the Economic Empowerment Committee for the NAACP, Washington DC chapter,
• One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time,
• Driving with the windows rolled down and the air conditioning on is as close as I get to being Jay-Z,
• I always smell like I’m on vacation,
• I’m a firm believer that if the automated message says you are “experiencing higher than normal call volume” every time I call, that is the normal call volume,
• The best way to apply Axe Body Spray is to spritz a cloud a few feet in front of you and then walk through it into traffic,
• I sometimes wonder if Michael Jordan ever misses the trash can,
• I’m a firm believer that if you have a problem with me, you can text me. If you don’t have my number than that means you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me,
• I can usually tell which women are only at the gym because their husbands cheated on them,
• A hobby of mine is yelling “THIS IS SPARTA!” as I kick dents in the doors of late model Chrysler 300s,
• When I want to double my money, I fold it over once and put it back in my pocket,
• I’m a nationally syndicated wordsmith,
• What I don’t see with my eyes, I don’t witness with my mouth,
• I think dogs shouldn’t be allowed to yawn,
• I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it,
• I accept people for who they pretend to be,
• If I don’t want an item while shopping, I put it back in the wrong spot so staff can’t be let go for not having ample work to do,
• I once had a show called The Jewelry Report on Youtube that did 75 million video views…before I got banned that is,
• I always miss 100% of the shots I don’t take,
• I’m a man who can open any jar,
• The only reason I have a home phone is to find my cell phone,
• I set the people I didn’t love free. And now most of them are mine forever, apparently,
• I don’t fall before I’m pushed,
• I’ve never met a department store mirror I haven’t checked myself out in,
• If McDonald’s ever wants to change it’s name, I think ‘F**k It’ would be perfect,
• I write for a whole bunch of magazines and Hip-Hop Weekly is one of them,
• Sometimes when I’m itching my back on a wall corner I feel like I could have been an above average stripper, but not really,
• I am as handsome as I am functional,
• Sometimes I keep rephrasing the question, so that it gradually becomes the answer,
• I live every day as if it were my last because one day…I’ll be right,
• I know a guy who likes to show extra confidence at job interviews by giving a firm handshake before and after every question,
• I lift weights. Mostly in the form of grocery bags filled with food,
• I know that people that hate people are the people they hate too,
• I’m not a mouth breather,
• I’d rather just not have bad things happen to me than to learn a lesson,
• I want to be the first person to buy a boat and not talk to people about it,
• I graduated from Morehouse College,
• I believe that a great place to meet women is wherever your rich,
• I always tell the truth so I don’t have to remember anything,
• The only thing I’ve ever wanted is everything I’ve never had,
• I may not have ‘hoes’ in different area codes but I’m pretty sure I’ve left a phone charger in most of them,
• I feel like the worst part of snobbery is not having enough money to participate,
• I believe that the term “cul de sac” was invented because rich people didn’t want to say they live on a dead end street,
• I personally sign every piece of free jewelry. It keeps the value up,
• I think that the best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it,
• I’d be very comfortable at a girl’s night out. Just putting it out there,
• Sometimes I join any line I see if it’s long enough. All those people can’t be wrong,
• What would I do for a Klondike bar? Probably just give you the $1.45,
• To me…”long story short” means “I can see your eye contact getting shaky,”
• I have two settings – not talking too much and complete silence after being called out for not talking too much,
• I sometimes think that America is a place where we’re all in this together for ourselves,
• Sometimes I shave with my left hand because it makes me feels like my barber is doing it,
• My laptop gets more sleep than I do,
• I’m not looking for the truth, but I wouldn’t mind some better lies,
• The least I can do also happens to be the most I can do,
• I’ve never let lack of hunger get in the way of my eating,
• I’m smart enough to know that four out of five dentists leaves one dentist,
• I don’t wanna go “behind the scenes” of stuff that sucked in front of the scenes,
• I got homies who believe that marriage should only be between a man and his happiness,
• I know that numbers don’t lie, but a lot of lies have numbers in them,
• I believe that capital punishment = teaching murderers that murder is wrong by murdering them,
• The best feature of my cell phone is that I can use it to have fake conversations in order to avoid real conversations,
• I find it easier to make healthy food decisions on a full stomach,
• The internet has made me an expert on anything I can Google,
• I specialize in creating compelling spectacles. Like this cultural lifestyle website for men and women.
That is all.
Jan 27, 2015This is EbenGregory.com…telling you if it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement...
Jan 10, 2015This is EbenGregory.com…telling you we may be going nowhere, but what a ride. Free jewelry.
Dec 31, 2014This is EbenGregory.com…telling you whenever I’m stung by an ant for no reason, I compare our sizes...
Dec 12, 2014This is EbenGregory.com…telling you some things are meant to happen. Somethings are never going to happen....
Dec 08, 2014This is EbenGregory.com…telling you if they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to...
Jan 27, 2015Because the best way to not get your heart broken, is pretending you don’t have one.
Jan 13, 2015Because it’s amazing how many rappers talk cops into arresting them.
Dec 31, 2014Because the closest thing to being cared for is to not care for someone else.